The Ride to the Carnival

Photo and column by M.  

  A thought came to mind as I was in the car. What if I was able to take the good qualities I am finding in the little girl that aren’t sad & scary to a carnival?

   I could allow her to be free to see how that feels to me. Unsure of what was going to come out of this, or am I just wasting time, I decided to get some lunch, then I would go. I waited to make sure I was ready.   

   I realized I had fears. Do I have enough money, will I be safe, am I going to be able to connect with her? I thought all kinds of things.    

  So I took a few deep breaths, no fear, no worries. Those things are in the past, go slow, listen to everything. Just be still & allow me to find acceptance, that it's okay not to be scared. It's okay to be different, it's okay to take a little longer time in one area in life than in other areas.    

  First I must relax, breathe, allow the light ️ to shine only on the part of me that has a mysterious wonder about her. I pulled my hair back in a ponytail, put on nice but comfortable clothes, then my socks & tennis shoes.   

   Saying a prayer before I left the driveway, I buckled my seatbelt, looked in my rear-view mirror, smiled & said I Love  You.   

  I drove slowly, allowing myself to be in the very moment as I parked. I thought to myself, what would the six-year-old me want to do?   

  I took a step into the gate looking around, there were all kinds of people. I first fell back to oh NO, there are too many people here. I don't like crowds, they make me nervous. I don't want anybody to touch me, oh no a panic attack now???  

   Okay, let's slow this down. Remember, I am still in control, breathe. I took a few more deep breaths & let it out.   

  Okay, let’s begin again. Let's look around. I see cotton candy, caramel apples and elephant ears. Oh my, the one thing that has not changed at all is how much I love sweets.   

  Now we need to love this little six-year-old me, but not put her in a diabetic coma. I have to be mature enough to say no. That much sugar would not be good for anyone, so let's choose only one. I want the caramel apple with nuts. Don't look at the price, this is a special day. 

  Let's go on the merry-go-round.   I want to ride the bear one. He is big, beautiful, loving & protective.   

  The people, there are so many. I decided I am not much of an amusement-park person. I don't like rides.    

  However, the more in the moment I am, the more I realize that we both enjoy walking, looking around & being totally comfortable doing things alone.   

  This feeling is starting to sink in even more that this is no little six-year-old girl. These qualities I possess, this is truly me. I am a good girl. I was born to do good, how profound is that? Things I admired about others, I have found in me.   

  I may not wake up & do my best every day. I may have a few bad days. I may have days when I am triggered.    

  I will continue growing these qualities out in me, for today I am happy knowing I have some power over my life, so I will take my positive accomplishment.   

  Remember to love yourself best.