Under Pressure: M.'s Weekly Column

2 min read

Text By M.

Under pressure is where I find myself most days, with this thought or that thought that I get in my own head.

You would think by now I would already be a diamond from the pressure. We can truly understand the price of diamonds considering how much pressure each one must go through. They start out black.

I feel like I am having a panic attack, then I realize that it was brought on by my own thoughts. I will get to feeling good about where I am at in life & then some small little thing will grab my attention & start pulling me in. It would be nice to know what’s real & what is not.

Sometimes I feel like I am back at a family caretaker member’s house as a child, with every bad & demeaning word pointed straight at me. I tend to take everything personally.

Recently I have been talking to another caregiver of mine. I watch & listen as I start seeing how controlling, every scare tactic, black & white thinking, assuming & whatever else that can keep me involved or connected to them or the family.

I have dusted my pants off more times than I care to remember. I will continue to do so for as long as I have to remind myself: I choose to live differently; I choose my morals & what’s right for me. I get to choose my life & the way I live it.

Thank you, Father God, for giving me the heart to change, the wisdom of what’s good for me & what is not good for me. Borderline Personality Disorder is my diagnosis. It doesn't define me.

Instead, I have accepted that every day I get up, I will have to change my mind as the wind changes its direction. I too will have to direct my thoughts every morning to a more positive direction, everything with Borderline Personality Disorder is almost a repeat.

Insecurities Relationship Problems

All Relationships are Problematic Trust issues

Abandonment Issues So on & so on.

Today I am dragging tail. I have been feeling this coming on for a couple of weeks. The thing is this time it’s different. I have been quite withdrawn, watching for signs.

What I am learning is that I have to learn to sit still. Not everything I think has to be said, nor every fear is real. We all learn different things in life & I have to say as mixed up as I sound at times, I still would rather show up in life than live worrying & fearing what is to come.